The Mabley Archive: A little humor to mix in with any holiday season lethargy
Have you ever noticed anyone going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
When you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him out in the car, he sticks his head out the window.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
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My goal this a.m. is to provide a few chuckles and maybe a laugh-out-loud. These help cope with shopping trauma, post-turkey indigestion, or having to work on the day after Thanksgiving. (My complaint.)
These bits of humor pour into my email. I think that puts them in the public domain. Many are kind of old, and some I may have used before.
-- Walking is great for staying in shape. Grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we have no idea where she is.
-- One out of every four Americans suffers from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are OK, then it's you.
-- Historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library, the Jimmy Carter Library, the Ronald Reagan Library ... and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
-- Bud Grey of Arlington Heights sent me "The Redneck Dictionary of Medical Terms."
Fibula: a small lie.
Nitrates: cheaper than day rates.
Pap smear: a fatherhood test.
Tablet: a small table.
Dilate: to live long.
Enema: not a friend.
Cauterize: made eye contact with her.
Morbid: a higher offer than I bid.
Rectum: darned near killed 'em.
-- New state mottoes:
Arizona: But it's Dry Heat.
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everything.
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids.
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou She' and Leeki Toru. (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money.)
Illinois: A Million Years Tidal Wave Free.
North Carolina: Tobacco Is a Vegetable.
-- Growing Up in the '60s:
Then: Long hair. Now: Longing for hair.
Then: A keg. Now: an EKG.
Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando and Elizabeth Taylor.
Then: Paar. Now: AARP.
Then: The Grateful Dead. Now: Dr. Kevorkian.
Then: Hoping for a BMW. Now: Hoping for a BM.
-- If we haven't generated an out-loud laugh yet, let's try some quotes from Great Thinkers of Our Time:
Mariah Carey, singer: "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry ... I'd love to be skinny like them."
Brooke Shields: " Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
Former French President Charles de Gaulle: "China is a big country inhabited by many Chinese."
Miss Alabama 1994, asked what she would do if she could live forever: "I would not live forever because we should not live forever because if we were supposed to live forever then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever which is why I would not live forever."
Former New York Mayor David Dinkins on charges he failed to pay income taxes: "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
Basketball star Jason Kidd upon his drafting by the Dallas Mavericks: "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
(He did, too. They're as bad as ever.)